You know, when Mendy first said, "Karl's jumpin' in the pool tomorrow at noon, wanna come?" I was like, "Sure, I'll get Big Dave to jump in with his new Flash underoos!"
And then I may or may not have invited everybody at our New Year's Eve party to come join in the fun.
However, on New Year's morning when Kristine called to see what I was gonna wear to the plunge I was like, "Um... were we serious when we talked about that last night?"
Yes.
Yes we were serious.
And then Mendy called to remind me to get my booty over there at noon.
Crap.
And following true Dhuland style, Big Dave, Miss Priss and I donned our bathing garb, wrapped ourselves in snuggly robes and headed over to the inaugural Grotheer Pool-ar Bear Plunge.
(I get a shiver just thinking about it.)
We got over to the pool, and it was SO sparkly and clean. The temperature outside was in the sixties... sunny and almost warm... the water temp was a balmy 47 degrees. Mercy.
We waited until everyone arrived, pretty much chuckling and pretending like nothing horribly bad was going to happen.
Ha, let's take pictures and live in an extreme case of denial... yes, let's do that.
And then all of a sudden, somebody was saying, "Okay, everyone's here, let's get ready!"
So I kicked off my slippers, and put my bare feet on the cold wet tabby deck... uh oh. Cold? Wet? NOT good.
Did I mention it seemed like a good idea at the time Mendy mentioned it? Well that was three glasses of wine into the night, and I was feeling quite warm. Dammit.
So we assembled ourselves like thirteen convicts in a felony line up...
I'm pretty sure somebody said, "Look cold." It wasn't a stretch.
My plan was as follows:
Jump in (looking as cute as possible)
Immediately veer to the right and get up the steps as quickly and gracefully as possible.
Keep all necessary body parts clothed and protected.
I've got this.
Right?
Oh crap... they're actually jumping? I totally didn't think it would come to this. Why is Kristine holding her nose?
Oh dear Jesus... I'm jumping! I'm jumping! Wow, that water is so pretty.
Oh good Lord have mercy!! Daggers!! Knives!! Splinters!! Bamboo shoots!! Shards of glass!!
Five thousand razor blades slicing into my poor polar bear virgin flesh!
Up! Up! UP!!
OUT OUT OUT!!
This a good moment to note the following:
1. Teddy apparently channeled his Army torture training which enabled him to leap across the entire pool, walking at least two steps ON the water, and pull himself to safety in approximately three seconds. The damdest thing I've ever seen.
2. Alex (Kristine's 13 year old son) may or may not have killed half a million chances of having a child in his future, but damn sure got in and out of the water in a hurry.
3. It will take the next three to five frames for Big Dave to power himself across the shallow end.
4. Where's Mendy?
Look, there's Kristine!
And here she is doing her 'Scream' face...
I could look at this forever.
And I might also note the slight deviation from my original game plan.
Now the strategy is the following:
Jump in.
Immediately freeze.
Panic.
Turn around.
Haul my ass OUT of that water.
Now!
Hey, I'll bet this nice man next to me will help me out...
Hi nice man... a hand up? Um no.
If there's one thing I've learned about plunging into ice cold water is this...
It's every man, woman, child for themselves.
Seriously. I finally lugged my 150 pounds out of the water and began an all out sprint to the fresh out of the dryer towels and looked over at my best friend... the woman who would do anything for me or my family, struggling to pull herself from the frigid waters, and all I could think about was, "TOWEL...TOWEL...TOWEL."
It's true.
I left her to flail until she finally hauled herself onto dry land like a frostbitten walrus.
So sad. And damned funny, if you ask me.
It's okay. Really. She forgives me...
In fact, we all forgive each other...
Even if we are a bit traumatized.
And we've vowed to do it again next year.
Lord help us.
(I think I better start doing pushups now.)
;
PS...
There's Mendy!
